Unplanned Adventuring

I went for a walk in Auckland Domain today. I woke up feeling sore and horrid and very, very grouchy and decided attendance at work was a less than intelligent plan, given the telling off that I get when I show up in a sub-optimal condition, so I went back to sleep. But one of the generic benevolent deities must have been smiling at me, because by about 10:30, the pain had subsided. Not only that but, miracle of miracles, that rarest of circumstances was upon us, a beautiful, warm, clear, sunny Auckland winter day.

To not take advantage of such fortuitous circumstances would be foolish in the extreme, so I dug out my camera, brushed off the (many) layers of dust and forcibly ejected myself from the house. I wasn't sure quite what my plans were or where I was going, beyond running a planned errand to St. Lukes (gak), but it felt like a day for adventure.

Errand duly completed, I decided the order of the day was to go where the wind blew me, so I walked out of St. Lukes and caught the first bus to arrive at the stop. That bus happened to be the new Outer Link, and it carried me on a weaving journey through Auckland's inner suburbs, in search of inspiration.

A few things tickled and teased at my attention, including a tea shop in Mt. Eden Village, which requires a visit in the not-too-distant-future, but nothing really grabbed at me until we passed the entry to the Domain at the top of Parnell Rise. What better way to spend the afternoon, I thought, than frolicking in the park in the sunshine?

My camera and I disembarked with alacrity and I spent the next few hours happily meandering around taking photos of decidedly average quality and enjoying the warmth of the sunshine. Eventually I found myself sitting outside the Museum, at the recently redone war memorial, thinking how very lucky we are to have, and to have had for so many years, such a beautiful resource so near the centre of the city. As the thought went through my head, a smile spread across my face, as it was followed by another, very different, series of thoughts and memories.

As a child, the Domain was often the venue for special occasions: Extended family picnics, Christmas parties, weekend outings. Birthdays.

It was the last of these that caused the smile to come to my face. Without warning, as I sat there, I was assailed with a wave of vivid memories; tiny glimpses of a past day in that beautiful park. The crisp cotton of my dress contrasted with the smooth satin of my sash as I stroked it between my fingers. The smell of the homemade sausage rolls mingling with the blown-out birthday candles and icing. The taste of Grandma's angel cakes. The sounds of laughter. Of happiness.

My mother and I have what could politely be described as a tumultuous relationship. The reasons for this are long and rather complex, but underneath it all, there is love. We did, however, have some rather enormous fights, several years ago. During one particularly nasty one, I told her that, try as I might, I could no longer seem to find any happy childhood memories. All that was left was the hurt, the sadness, the anger. It was all tainted. I could feel the pain that my words caused her. I could see it on her face, in her body. My words were not a deliberate intention to wound her, but in a fight like that, intention very quickly becomes irrelevant, and words said in honesty, with neutral or even good intention, can cut just as deep, if not deeper, than those said with deliberate intention to hurt.

Today, I rediscovered a memory of pure, uncorrupted childhood joy and it was a beautiful feeling. I owe my mum the gift of these words, in the hope that it goes some way towards apologising and helping to begin to heal the wound that I inflicted upon her.